Push pause

It has been a while.

Life changes are abounding. My body and emotions are changing, heading into an altered state and I don’t want to go through it alone.

Every woman on the planet will go through or has gone through this. Where are they? Why are they not online chatting about it? Opening the conversation? Sharing the experience. I don’t want to be silent.

Peri-menopause.

It’s a bloody mess. Some days I feel I am going to bleed to death. I will stumble out of the bathroom and wonder where all the blood can possibly come from? The clotting, the cramping, nurofen plus has become my new best friend. Where has codeine been all my life?

It’s not just like a ‘heavier period’ or heightened pmt. Some days I feel like I have gone totally insane.

My heart pounds, my head is racy, I’m not breathing deeply enough, there are shooting pains in my joints. My body is doing crazy things, my mind is totally irrational.

I’m hot, I’m cold. I’m in love, I want to push everyone away. I toss and turn. I overthink. I try to be kind, I hate myself. I give Jekyll and Hyde new meaning. I’m strong, I’m weak.

I’m scared.

Fear arises when my body is doing things on its own. I’m not in control.

I felt so depleted last weekend. Bleeding again 10 days after my last period. I felt annoyed. It is painful and inconvenient. It made me angry.

But I was too exhausted to feel angry. I crawled back into bed and it hit me. I have to accept this. Resisting is futile.

Western society shames menopause. You’re over the hill. You’re no longer a hot fertile woman ready to reproduce (whoever was?).

It’s associated with old age. And while we can attempt to mask ageing with botox and fillers, our bodies are still going to go through the natural process. The eggs are going to run out.

This can be a grieving process for some women. It can also be a time of joy and freedom for other women.

While in bed with my hot water bottle I turned to Dr google. I wanted to read how women in other cultures deal with this process. I wanted a better direction. Guidance.

An initiation process.

Freedom.

Wisdom.

The third phase of a woman’s life.

Liberation.

Women use this initiation process to free themselves of past pains, confront childhood demons, leave marriages, remove toxic relationships from their lives, find a new career direction, travel.

Find themselves. They no longer need to be the nurturer. They can nurture themselves.

I want to be this woman. I want to embrace this change.

I want to honour this body for all it has given me. I want to give it the respect it needs through this change.

I expect there will be many highs and lows, ups and downs and going round and round.

Another lesson.

Another journey.

A butterfly slowly emerging from its cocoon.

A wise woman warrior ready to fly.

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One thought on “Push pause

  1. I love this post, and I feel your anguish and pain. It’s not an easy journey and it’s one that is scaring me too – will I like who I’ve become at the end of it? It’s sometimes hard to like who I am in the middle of it.

    Like

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